Becoming Christian? (but NOT because the fascists want me to)
It's hard to be vulnerable in writing, and not a lot is more vulnerable than sharing your feelings on religion on the internet.
So I'll start small. I’m kind of embarrassed to admit it, but Jesus Christ Superstar is my favorite adaptation of the New Testament (sorry KJV, I’m a theater kid). AND my favorite Andrew Lloyd Webber musical to boot (haven’t seen Phantom though). It sounds SO cringey - the guy who went on to write Cats basing a musical off the Bible? I saw it once in person at a regional theater, both movie versions, and the John Legend live TV version. So I guess you could say I liked it.
My dad, who was raised Lutheran, says the central message of Christianity is that we need to transcend our animal natures, the fight-or-flight instinct, and accept our own vulnerability, which is what leads to us to compassion. The image of Jesus dying on the cross is so central to Christianity because it shows that God himself isn’t invulnerable - even he can’t, or chooses not to, avoid suffering or dying. But as he’s being tortured and killed, he forgives those who just crucified him (“Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” Luke 23:34), because he understands that they are also vulnerable humans too, and they’re acting accordingly, to minimize their own suffering.
Life is suffering. This is the first noble truth of Buddhism, dukkha. Being born is suffering, aging is suffering, dying is suffering; our transient existence causes suffering. This is unavoidable. But life is not entirely suffering. We often cause our own suffering in our attempts to avoid it. If we stop trying to be invulnerable, and accept that we will feel pain, it opens us up to empathy.
I’m feeling hurt now. I’m feeling horror, disgust, anger, disappointment, and all those are natural things to be feeling now. Because I have empathy for all the suffering across the country, and the world, that is already happening and will continue, because of the actions of other humans. But who would I be if I did not allow myself to hurt? Tears are a renewable resource.
I’m an atheist. I’ve never believed in the supernatural: miracles, virgin birth, talking to angels, all that stuff made me roll my eyes when I was younger. Only went in churches on European vacations. Read the Bible only as a text for AP Literature.
When times get tough, though, it often requires a paradigm shift. Some folks turn to religion, others abandon theirs. I used to think that following religious leaders made you weak, or a sheep. When I was older, I realized that my sense of persecution for identifying as an atheist was actually the persecution I felt from being LGBT in a country full of religious bigots. Those bigots still exist, but, while we have to resist like hell to survive, I want to keep my heart open to forgiveness. Not because I believe it will be reciprocated, but because it I believe it’s the best thing to do for both of us. It’s not a win-lose scenario. I don’t benefit from carrying hatred in my heart. I think so many Christians are missing that message.
I’m not Jesus or the Buddha. Maybe I can’t forgive entirely; maybe I can’t be selfless. I can’t avoid suffering; I can’t avoid being vulnerable. But I want enlightenment and nirvana and all the related ways of saying wisdom. And I want to use that wisdom to help people. I think that is the closest we can come to the divine. I don’t know what that makes me. Just don’t call me agnostic.